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2003-08-27 - 11:27 a.m.

so the question becomes; why are you leaving everything selling everything to go off and do something that doesn't pay you a dime really?

well this is something I have thought about too...

the real answer seems complex. I have some answeres that seem to me to be partialy right depending on my mood.

I definiatly had to get out of ct. Not because it is a bad place but because I promised myself I would only be here 2 years at most it has now been 3. the bell has rung and rung it is time to answer the call.

another reason goes to my not being there for my fathers death and not being able to leave this side of the country till he died.

I wish I could have been there that last day, but how do you know when the final day is he hung around hovering next to death like some kind of strong willed moth that just glances the light, sparks but keeps flying.

watching him those wekeends I would drive back to erie after work and sit next to him were killing me. He was not able to talk most times just scream in pain or moan. when he would he would beg me to get a nurse to give him his pain meds which basicaly were useless at this point. morphine codeine, diladid nothing worked.

and when it was working it was making him more sick and halucinate since he couldnt have a bowel movement for weeks at a time. so I decided to go out to california for a week instead of home and try and relax and thats when he died. I was relieved, finialy he wouldnt suffer and thats all in the end I wanted but I wasnt there to help him so maybe this is also a way for me to fix things in my head. to help those who need help and to be there for 2 years doing it. my pennance to myself.

also I firmly believe that it is time for action, this goverment is doing horrible things to the worlds population and I am sick of telling people its wrong and decided to do something about it.

I always come back to that one lonely chineese man standing in front of the tank. He changed me, that one act of pure beleif in whats right...

I wish to be like that man. he is famous but no one knows his name he is just the man who dared to oppose the unopposable.

my hero



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